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Flipping the blame

Flipping the blame

Everyone experiences difficult emotions once in a while, like stress, anger, sadness, etc. What I notice with many clients when i first start working with them – and what i recognize from my past – is that sometimes we are so caught in holding something or someone responsible for these feelings, that we completely oversee our own part.

The feeling itself is yours

Yes, the feeling might be triggered by an action of someone else, but the feeling itself is yours. Your (emotional) re-action is yours, and thus something you can change in order to set yourself free.

I believe that every interaction or relationship in life reflects a piece of who we are, what we like or dislike, and how we function. Lessons hide within, that want to be seen, to be learned, in order to awaken even more to who we truly are.

I also believe that everyone is pure love at its core. The difference lies within our individual life journey. Everyone does their utmost to live well, within their framework of awareness and knowledge at that moment in time.

It’s not their job to make you feel good

So when you experience anger, sadness or stress in response to the act of another person, don’t lose yourself in misjudging their behaviour. Don’t try to change that person through endless conversations trying to get your right… because that is basically what you’re doing; you want to change someone so they meet your expectations, so YOU can feel good again (quite selfish right ;)).

It’s not their job to make you feel good, that is your job. And it’s for sure not your job to fix someone else to your standards, it’s their job to figure out their own standards and live up to that. Every person is responsible for their own well-being, so let’s focus on that.

Where are you holding someone else responsible for filling up an emptiness within you?

When someone really gets to you by his/her actions or words, you can be sure that he/she mirrors something within you, coming from anxiety or limiting beliefs you probably both hold. So start flipping ‘the blame’ and see how in essence you both just long for the same.
If in your experience someone…

…did something very selfish, turn it around and see where you forget yourself too much, ignoring your boundaries.

(both a call to be seen)

…shows a lack of appreciation, turn it around and see why you need this appreciation to be expressed to you so much.

(confirming your worth, coming from a lack of appreciation for yourself)

…should open up more, turn around and see what feelings, in what situations, you find difficult to express.

(both coming from self-rejection / fear to fail)

…is an attention seeker, determining the atmosphere by his/her mood, turn it around and see when you (unconsciously) might do the same, or maybe the opposite by shutting down.

(both a call to be acknowledged and loved)

…put up a wall, turn it around and have a look at your own walls.

(both coming from a fear to be vulnerable)


When you take responsibility for your part, you set the conflict free

When you go beyond the emotion and take responsibility for your part, leaving someone else’s part for them to work on when they are ready to do so, your energy shifts. And when your energy shifts to more empowering beliefs, you set yourself free.

And you set the clashing situation free. Emotional interaction takes place within the magnetic field of energy and is subject to the principle of mutual attraction. ‘Soort zoekt soort’, we say in Dutch. Every emotion vibrates on a specific frequency and you radiate this energy out, whether you like it or not. So emotional blockages, trauma’s and anxieties that you unconsciously stored within your body (by pushing it away), create an energy stream (internal to external) that brings a similar stream back to you (external to internal).

Your fear attracts fear
Your dander attracts dander
Your pain attracts pain


When you shift your energy, in a miraculous way people start acting different too

Luckily the same principle counts for vibrations of confidence, joy and abundance! Taking full responsibility for your emotional re-action is tremendously healing. For yourself, for the relationship, for the situation. In my experience these things can happen:

  • Facing and transforming your own shadow, kills your limiting belief (anxiety) that lies underneath. Now you don’t fear the mirror anymore, someone else’s behaviour (coming from that same anxiety) doesn’t touch you anymore. So your reaction will arise from an inner peace (with yourself), instead of an emotional roller-coaster, and you can choose to act for the greater good of you (which, coming from the heart, is always the greater good of all).
  • Because you shifted your energy, the other person looses the mirror to keep his/her limited belief alive as well. So due to your inner work, the energy within the interaction / situation with this person starts to change as well, which will both set you free.
  • …or if this person is not ready to face the inner fight he/she will either distance you for a while (don’t take this personally!), or projects the destructive energy on to another who still confirms his/her fear. Both bring you back to point 1; you learned your lesson and clearly see why this situation / person doesn’t serve you at the moment, so you remain in peace.

It’s all about honesty. About recognizing yourself as well as the other. Respecting both of you as human beings, having your own human experience, walking your own unique path of growth. Take full responsibility for your part. Ditch the blame. Change yourself. And choose love over fear.


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